One of the most durable, yet destructive, myths in modern masculinity is the idea of the ruggedly individual, self-made man — the belief that a man’s character is forged alone, that his strength emerges when he is in self-imposed isolation, and that his masculinity and dominance is something he is due rather than something he must first inherit, then constantly work at. This myth of being owed something is appealing for many because it removes responsibility for where we come from. It is also very dangerous – it allows men to reproduce and inflict harm without ever examining its source – themself.
Across the first five Intelligent Masculinity conversations, one reality has surfaced clearly again and again — masculinity does not begin with ideology, dominance, or certainty. It begins with influence — sometimes nurturing, sometimes absent, sometimes harmful, sometimes contradictory — the work of masculinity is not denying that inheritance, but refusing to outsource our accountability once we recognize it.
Shane Yirak described his father not as an idealized figure, but as a man who changed — and that distinction and understanding towards growth mattered more than a mythologized perfection. As Shane recounted,
“Our fathers weren’t perfect. They learned. They softened. They modeled accountability and partnership.”1
This framing from Shane immediately disrupts the heroic, self-made mythology often attached to masculinity. In Shane and our experiences, true strength is not about being right the first time — it is about being willing to grow, through acceptance and learning from both our successes and failures.
For Sharad Swaney, this story of inheritance looks drastically different. His father’s absence — shaped by addiction and instability — did not eliminate masculine formation; instead, it intensified it. Sharad told us:
“I had to figure out how to be my own father.”2
There is no romanticism in Sharad’s statement — it is a raw acknowledgment of necessity. Sharad did not inherit a stable model of masculinity — he inherited a vacuum. Yet, what matters most in Sharad’s story is not that this absence existed; rather, that he refused to let it become an excuse for avoidance or cruelty. Sharad names the cost of unexamined inheritance directly:
“Finding myself meant rejecting the idea that masculinity was about hiding emotions. That model didn’t survive reality.”3
Lawrence Winnerman’s personal reflections further complicate this picture — while expanding on the lessons learned from Sharad — by rejecting certainty itself as a masculine anchor. Rather than pointing to a singular role model, Lawrence emphasized living without rigid gender roles or policing — and without pretending that clarity arrives fully formed. In Lawrence’s own words:
“Authenticity isn’t something you figure out once. It’s a daily practice.”4
Fragile masculinity often clings to this false sense of certainty as a protective shield — while Lawrence’s posture rejects that notion as a failing impulse. Masculinity, in his framing, is not about knowing who you are at all times — it is about remaining accountable while you are still becoming — a masculinity focused on a reflective growth.
Walter Rhein then took these threads and tied them together into a hard boundary:
“Masculinity collapses when it requires other people to abandon [their] reality for you.”5
Walter’s understanding is critical in our larger discussion because it exposes how this ego-driven masculinity maintains itself — not through strength, but through escalation and domination. When accountability threatens the self-myth, fragile masculinity responds with denial, gaslighting, and coercion. Repair and growth become impossible because truth itself is treated as an enemy. Against that, Walter offers a radically simple, daily practice of voluntary accountability:
“An apology isn’t weakness. ‘I’m sorry’ only becomes powerful when it’s honest and unqualified.”6
That simple, yet powerful practice — identifying and accepting one’s own share of harm, then naming it without any escape clauses — becomes an important sorting mechanism for where we focus our emotional energy. Those capable of accountability reciprocate with empathy and understand, while those invested in domination reveal themselves as they demand you apologize only ever on their behalf.
Finally, Dr. Eric Lullove brings the longest view — speaking as a physician, father, and partner — he reframes masculinity away from urgency and towards intentional, measured presence. Eric said:
“Power without restraint is destruction.”7
The masculinity Eric described is not a reactive one — it is patient and proactive. He rejects the idea that speed equals strength, arguing instead that maturity is the ability to pause, regulate, and choose deliberately. Eric tied it all together when he spoke an important truth:
“Leadership begins with self-regulation.”8
What emerges across these first five conversations is not a single masculine archetype — instead, we see a shared refusal to outsource responsibility where fathers matter, absence matters, women matter, mentors matter, people matter, and failures matter — and that inheritance, no matter how formative, is not destiny. It requires constant vigilance and daily practice — accountability begins where explanation ends. Shane framed it plainly:
“If you don’t stop and reflect, you just become a vessel for whatever shaped you — and that’s not strength.”9
This powerful statement is the hinge point of intelligent masculinity — you do not choose what has shaped you — but you are fully responsible for what you carry forward. Masculinity is not proven by suffering, absence, or hardship — it is proven by what a man refuses to excuse once he understands those forces — it is proven through the discipline to live with the consequences of his actions and values.
The self-made man is a myth — the self-governed man is not.
Inheritance becomes just the starting line — not the finish.
~Nick Paro
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Nick’s Notes
I’m Nick Paro, and I’m sick of the shit going on. So, I’m using poetry, podcasting, and lives to discuss the intersections of chronic illness and mental wellbeing, masculinity, veteran’s issues, politics, and so much more. I am only able to have these conversations, bring visibility to my communities, and fill the void through your support — this is a publication where engagement is encouraged, creativity is a cornerstone, and transparency is key — please consider becoming a paid subscriber today and grow the community!
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Yirak, Shane. Intelligent Masculinity with Shane Yirak. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-shane
Swaney, Sharad. Intelligent Masculinity with Sharad Swaney. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-sharad
Swaney, Sharad. Intelligent Masculinity with Sharad Swaney. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-sharad
Winnerman, Lawrence. Intelligent Masculinity with Lawrence Winnerman. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-lawrence
Rhein, Walter. Intelligent Masculinity with Walter Rhein. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-walter
Rhein, Walter. Intelligent Masculinity with Walter Rhein. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-walter
Lullove, Eric. Intelligent Masculinity with Dr. Eric Lullove. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-dr-eric
Lullove, Eric. Intelligent Masculinity with Dr. Eric Lullove. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-dr-eric
Yirak, Shane. Intelligent Masculinity with Shane Yirak. Sick of the Shit Publications, Jan. 2026. https://sickofthis.substack.com/p/intelligent-masculinity-with-shane
